In their own words
I asked clients what they wish experienced parents had told them, before their babies arrived. The answers might surprise you.
- If you’re nursing, your boobs will be out all the time. Try to be OK with it.
“I have this vivid memory from those early days. We took my son to a pediatric eye doctor because they thought something might be wrong. (It wasn’t, thankfully). The doctor wanted my son to stay in a certain position, but he was just really wiggly. So the doctor asked me to nurse him in order to keep him still. I was the kind of mom who felt weird without a nursing cover, but there I was, with my boobs out, in the doctor’s office, at someone else’s doctor’s appointment. It was so bizarre to me at that point in my life, but by the time my son weaned, I probably wouldn’t have blinked an eye at the request.”
- You get less help from strangers than when you were pregnant, but you need it more.
“I was lucky. My pregnancy really wasn’t bad. I had some aches and pains, and got more tired, but could generally do the same stuff I could before I got pregnant. That’s why I got a real kick out of how deferential people were—holding the door for me, picking things up for me. It felt kind of silly, but it was also kind of nice. Fast forward to after having my baby….wow, what a difference! I actually needed help then. Getting used to navigating doorways with a stroller, dealing with back pain due to lost core strength– I actually needed that subway seat, needed that door opened for me, but no one offered anymore.”
- Recovery from childbirth might hurt
“Ok, in hindsight I should have realized this, but I honestly didn’t think about it. I knew having the baby would hurt. That’s why epidurals exist, whether or not you choose to have one. But never, in my 30+ years on the planet, did anyone ever tell me I might still be uncomfortable when I got home!
I had a vaginal birth and left the hospital with stitches and a prescription for something that was basically extra-strength Tylenol. The hospital said I could have that or a highly effective, highly addictive alternative, and I tried to make the responsible decision by choosing the Tylenol. While that might have been a good decision for my long-term health, it made for a very uncomfortable, pretty painful, first days at home. That’s on top of not sleeping and not really knowing how to take care of the baby yet. Not a recipe for a very easy time.
If I had it to do over again, I might have chosen the other pain medication, or structured those first couple weeks with healing more in mind, or both. Probably both. I didn’t know this at the time, but a lot of cultures have protocols around healing after delivery. I wish I had known more about those and maybe done one myself.”
- You will probably need about 3x more help than you planned
“I’m a planner, and I didn’t have a lot of prior experience with babies. So I knew I needed to spend more time preparing for after delivery. I knew when I was supposed to call the doctor. I had meals I could defrost from the fridge. I had the daycare picked out for when I went back to work. I knew how many diapers the baby was supposed to dirty each day, and what to do if she didn’t. That’s why I was SO SURPRISED when my planning ended up being SO FAR from enough. I underestimated how hard it would be to figure everything out on no sleep. I overestimated my ability and my daughter’s ability to “just know” how to do things like nurse. I underestimated how much support I’d need and how much time I’d need my partner to be home with me. If I had it to do over again, I would have asked for like 3 times more help, in advance of actually needing it. Worst/best case scenario, I wouldn’t actually need it. But if I did, there would already be a plan.”
I asked these clients to share, not to freak out expecting parents, but so you will have an easier experience when it’s your turn. What might you do differently, knowing what these new parents learned the hard way?
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