Intro
You survived three hard trimesters of pregnancy – you thought you crossed the finish line, but now you’ve entered the fourth trimester. You knew parenting would be a challenge before your baby arrived, but maybe you’ve gotten more than you bargained for.
Even if you’ve been dying to be a parent, maybe it’s not what you envisioned. This fourth trimester is kicking your butt, and you’ve found yourself on a desperate 3 AM Google search, pleading: “When does it get easier to have a newborn?”
In this post, we’ll talk openly about the tough realities of new parenthood. I’ll also share some advice to help you get through this.
First: I want to assure you that you’re not alone.
While some are blessed with “easy” babies who sleep through the night, it’s not the reality for most of us. If you ask most parents about their fourth trimester experience, they’ll tell you it was a difficult, unpleasant slog. I’ve even heard the word “torture” used. And, these expressions are always followed by guilty looks and backpedaling.
As a new parent, there’s a lot of pressure (internal and external) to present a sunny exterior. There’s also a belief that admitting you’re counting down to the end of the newborn phase makes you a bad parent.
So, second: Please know that disliking the fourth trimester doesn’t make you a bad parent.
It makes you human.
Given that so many new parents struggle during the fourth trimester, why is it hard for parents to admit it? Why don’t they talk openly about it? My theory is that they’re afraid.
They’re afraid that people will think hatred of the newborn phase is the same as hatred of their child. Or, that disliking the constant grind of the fourth trimester survival mode means they’re not grateful for their child. This is especially true for parents who’ve experienced pregnancy loss or had a difficult road through conception or pregnancy.
Before we move on, let me say it again, because I really need you to believe this:
You are not a bad parent if it’s 4 am on the fifth straight day of cluster feeding, and part of you is wondering if parenthood was a mistake. You are NOT a bad parent just because you’re struggling and looking forward to the end of the fourth trimester.
However, since you made it to this post, I imagine you’re in need of help. So, back to the initial question:
When does it get easier with a newborn?
Child development specialists and new parents agree that things start to improve noticeably around the three-month mark. They don’t call it the fourth trimester for nothing! After three months, your baby is more likely to sleep through the night. Or at least, wake you less frequently.
By three months, your child can look into your eyes and smile. That goes a long way toward repairing your frazzled new parent brain. By three months, your child has grown so much. And, you and your household have also had time to establish new rhythms and procedures. Between your baby’s development and your own, things are starting to look up.
I know that in your former life, three months may have sounded quick. However, in the thick of the new parent fog, that feels like forever. So, here are some strategies you can employ now to get a little fresh air.
1. Figure out your weaknesses.
Identify what new-parent tasks feel the hardest. For example, maybe you can strap a baby to your back and whip up a gourmet meal, but you can’t get your baby to sleep in their bassinet. Ever. Or, your baby naps like a champion, but you’re surviving on Cheetos and soda instead of regular meals.
If you can’t pinpoint which specific tasks are the most difficult, ask your partner or a close friend to help you narrow it down. Speaking of which:
2. Ask for help.
Now that you’ve identified your fourth trimester weaknesses, ask for extra support. Lean on your family, friends, and close colleagues. You’ve spent years caring for and helping the people in your life. Allow them the opportunity to give back to you. Think of your relationships like a bank – you’ve been making deposits in the form of goodwill, love, and trust for years. Now, you need to withdraw some of that back. You’ve built a high balance in these relationships, so your friends and loved ones have plenty of support available for you.
If you’re not sure what kind of support you need, it’s okay to be honest. Let your friends, family, and other loved ones know where you’re struggling. Then, ask them to brainstorm with you. You’d be surprised how creative people can be – especially if they haven’t also been sleep-deprived for the last few weeks!
If you’re having a hard time finding ways that others can help you, here’s what I’ve found helpful as a fourth trimester mom:
- Pre-made freezer meals
- Having a friend help me clean my home
- If you have older kids, having a relative give them some extra attention
Even loved ones who live far away can help you by organizing meal trains, helping you do research, offering late-night text support, and more. Once you narrow down how they will help, accept it without guilt. You deserve the support.
3. Invest (literally) in your quality of life.
Most new parents know all too well how expensive having a baby can be. However, if you have a little extra to spend, think about where it would help the most.
A childhood friend of mine felt an overwhelming need to maintain a well-kept house. If her house wasn’t tidy, she had no peace of mind. Although tasks like cooking and housework were important to her, she spent her fourth trimester feeling overwhelmed by them.
She hired a babysitter to free up some space in her life for tackling the housework. However, she began to feel guilty about spending time on chores instead of with her daughter. So, she traded the babysitter for a house cleaner and reclaimed the time with her daughter. This was a perfect investment of her financial resources because it freed up time for the thing she cared about most: her daughter.
Here are some potential investments that could ease your fourth trimester experience:
- Grocery delivery/meal kits
- Cleaning services
- Laundry services
- Massages
- Accupunture
- Spa/salon packages
Where can you spend some money to improve the quality of your life right now?
4. Keep or incorporate things that bring you joy.
These bits of joy are the first things to go out the window when you have a baby. They’re also the things you last resume after you find your feet. I encourage you to change up that timeline just a bit. Find at least one thing that brings you joy. With the time constraints that come with the fourth trimester, you may have to take baby steps.
For example, if you loved swimming every day of your pregnancy, the closest you can manage is a once-a-week bubble bath. You might have to negotiate the time for the bubble bath with your partner. Or, you may have to meticulously plan for it to line up with your baby’s longest nap. It won’t be as fabulous as swimming, but you’ll get to feel the water on your skin. After your fourth trimester, you may be able to expand that time to include an actual trip to the pool.
Here are some more baby-step options:
- Youtube dance videos to replace in-person dance classes
- Walking around the neighborhood to rebuild your running routine (and your pelvic floor!)
- A candle-lit dinner at home instead of a date night out
The important thing is that you’re carving out a small amount of time for yourself, with plans to expand it after your fourth trimester.
5. Hire a coach to hold you accountable.
It’s important to have an empathetic listener who can be honest with you when you need it. Being a fourth trimester parent means that the exhaustion can be so deep that it’s hard to see yourself clearly. If you can’t see yourself clearly, it’s challenging to improve your situation.
I specialize in new and expecting parents looking to improve the quality of their lives and ease into parenthood. I would be a good fit for you if:
- You’re looking for an easier way through parenthood, but haven’t yet figured it out on your own
- You’re ready to take the time to improve the well-being of your whole family
- You want to make faster progress toward a balanced lifestyle
A health coach can act as an invaluable listening ear in a nonjudgmental space. They can help you make plans to get to the other side of the fourth trimester. If you have someone like that in your life, give them a call. If you don’t, click the button below to schedule a free coaching session. I’d love to work with you and give your new-parent brain the rest it deserves.
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