It’s funny what you remember from those sleep-deprived early days. I remember diligently tracking the exact time and frequency of dirty diapers (and freaking out when the number was slightly off track of what my pediatrician told me to expect).
I also remember going back to work, being completely beyond exhausted, and my colleague cheerfully telling me that you “don’t get a baby you can’t handle.” Her babies of course slept through the night at a couple of weeks old, because she “wouldn’t have been able to handle it otherwise.”
And then I remember my head exploding.
Ok, the head explosion was figurative, but I do remember feeling a very sudden, very distinct wave of rage. Because I wasn’t handling it. I was up and down all night with a baby who felt totally fine about waking up every two hours. (Yes, my husband was helping but in those early nursing days, there wasn’t much he could do). I was up every morning at 5 am, pumping one more time before work. I was dragging myself to work and fighting to activate my poor, exhausted brain all day. And then I was doing it again the next day. For so many months.
I felt like I was dying.
As utterly misguided as my well-meaning colleague was, her words stuck in my head. I realized that it wasn’t about “getting” a baby you can handle. That was obviously nonsense. But there was something to realizing or even deciding what you and your family could and could not handle and going from there.
I realized I could not handle getting up every two hours for a moment longer than my daughter needed me to. I knew that the moment it was developmentally appropriate for my daughter to begin sleeping for longer periods of time, I would need her to. I needed to call in a baby sleep expert or find the right sleep book, or something. Because if I didn’t, I would not make it.
But that’s me. As a kid, when I stayed up too late, you could tell, because a cold would soon follow. Sleep has always been my Achilles heel.
A friend of mine, with three kids (!!!), just told me that she probably hasn’t had a full night’s sleep in nine years. NINE YEARS!
Would she like a full night’s sleep? Sure! But was that a priority for her? Not yet. For her, the middle of the night bonding of nursing and snuggles are more important than an uninterrupted stretch of sleep. She knows those are special times and is enjoying them while they last. For me, I was OK relegating snuggles to the daytime if it meant I’d get some sleep at night. Every family is different, and that’s a beautiful thing.
So, back to the initial question. When is it time to seek help for your baby’s sleep?
Only you can decide. (You knew I was going to say that, did you?)
Like many things about parenthood, there are a lot of people who are ready to tell you what’s right. Period. In every situation. For every person. But remember: you are the expert on yourself. So listen to that expert and you’ll do OK.
If you’re like me and you feel like your very survival depends on improving your sleep situation, do not pass go, find someone now. Explore the books that are out there, or find someone to work with you 1:1. Many baby sleep experts will start working with families as early as 4 months in. And if you’re not yet 4 months in, it doesn’t hurt to have someone on speed dial for when you hit that milestone.
If you’re on the other end of the spectrum and you’re more like my friend, it’s OK to chill and see how things unfold. If you love the middle of the night bonding, don’t let others push you into something you’re not ready for.
PS. If you need help with baby sleep and don’t know where to start, let me know. I can recommend a lovely person who is 0% dogmatic and works with families to come up with a sleep plan that feels right for them. I get no financial benefit from recommending her, I just really love her approach.
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